وماذا بعد؟

وماذا بعد؟ ماذا بعد أيها البحر الصامت؟ أتظل حياتنا هكذا أبداً؟ أين الرضا؟ أين القناعة والاتفاق؟ ما سرك أنت قوي صامد؟ ولكن حالك لم يتغير منذ الأزل.. ما سر قناعتك؟ لازم كانت لحظة مثيرة جداً عندما اتى موسى بقومه و عبرك إلى الأمان! لقد شاركت في المعجزة.. ولقد كنت ضمن الثورة الفائرة؛ ولكن... منذ ذاك الوقت وأنت صامد وساكن.. صامت ولكن.. يبقى الأمل يبقى الأمل

أمن متعة؟ أمن قوة؟ أمن جاه؟ قل لي إذن ما سرك؟ ولكن، أه .. نسيت .. ليس لك من مشاعرنا.. ليس عندك من أمال.. لم يكن هناك يوماً من يتكبر عليك.. لم يكن من يستغلك اويسيء استغلالك.. بجانب بعض المراكب والسفن.. والمرزقين من الصيادين يبحثون فيك عن مواصلة أو عشاء.. متوسمون فيك الخير والكرم

أوصيك أيها البحر بالسلام إلى زمن المعجزات.. إلى مصدر الأساطير ومجد الأنبياء.. أوصيك بسلامي إلى موسى ويونس ونوح.. أوصيك بالسلام إلى السماء والجبال والريح.. أوصيك تحمل همي وحبي إلى الشواطئ البعيدة.. عل هناك من يجد نداءي بجانب الحذاء البالي والزجاجة القديمة.. عل هناك من يشعر بروحي... و يدفع عني تهمة الجنون

On the eighth day, God created Georges, and He saw that it was good. On the ninth day, George created a gun, and he shot himself!

Put a bullet into my head and you will have assisted me in the best way. I will trip and start to fall, and as I fall, I will start to call back all that I really hold dear in my life, without any confusion, without doubt. The uncertainty of my love for a girl who wanted to live with me forever; and I wasn’t sure. It turns out I’m not sure only because I found her, and it was a bless; a bless that I had to be confused about as I am about everything else in this world. I should have married X. X was nice. She loved me. We would have made a great family. I should have married X.

I can see now my family. What a cool birthday I had in fifth grade. I was over the moon; they were the coolest family ever. And my Dad, oh if I could freeze this moment for a while, and go sit with my Dad, talk to him. He has a very warm and gentle smile on his face with those peaceful wrinkles… He used to send me messages while I am at work, a couple of hours away, saying: “Dear Son, I love you : )”. That’s it! And I often thought of leaving him and going away?!

I should have married X. I would’ve been happy and would’ve made him very happy.

Ohh, what a tough fall. The ground is so cold. I like sleeping on the ground. I feel so much at home with those little ants carrying tiny particles of dust and moving hastily as if a prize. What’s next, I wonder. I remember all that confusion I had in my mind thinking about life, about God, about the after-life. What will happen when we die? Would some old looking fellas with blood on their shirts, and bullets stuffed inside their brains show up at once, cheer me and help me up the floor, and tell me: “Man, what took you so long?” Would I be surrounded by vacuum, silent and complete in a deserted space? Are angels coming to take me now? Blackness, that’s all I see. Or is it going to stay like this forever? It’s so cold in here…

I wonder whether my conscious mind would get back to think again. I wonder if I ‘m really going to turn into a butterfly and re-enter the world through that distant hole in the blackness, resurrected, incarnated?

It will all be over in seconds; and so, I will know the Truth, and get introduced to all the mysteries of the world unlocked. What was it I should be saying? Oh, my prayers.. I remember an ancient Egyptian prince, who wrote on the walls of his temple: “ان قلب الانسان هو الهه، و قد كان قلبي مرتاحا لأعمالي”… or was it something else I should be saying?

Ohh, what happened to my strength? I’m just a paralyzed body lying bound on the floor. I can move my eyes, but my sight is hazy. I want to sleep. I want to close my eyes and dream…

We Live in a Grey Reality!

...trying each passing day to extract its black from its white. Trying to understand the difference; trying to see the light. But the biggest fallacy of all is that black and white can never exist in a substantial form. They exist theoretically and mathematically because they, evidently, constitute Grey! But you can never get hold of them; neither can you ever get hold of the Truth, Beauty or Perfection. In the end, it is for you to feel them; to believe in them; and hope.

Just like every mathematical Function in the world that tends to infinity but never reaches it; just like every whole in Math that we tend to neglect. We can only approach the Truth, but can never find it. We can only tend to perfection, but will never reach it.

And during our journey of life, we will flourish, replenish and strive until we perish…

Then, we will discover something… Was the journey that mattered or was it the destination? Does Perfection lie in Imperfection and Man’s own tendency for it? Or is it a result that he might achieve by his journey?
And so it turns from being a journey to an expedition… but just like all the heavenly particles in existence that revolve around its nucleus fervently creating energy; we are the fuel of that world.

Was Energy the result that the poor particle sought out to achieve? Or was it only a side-result of the effort that it earnestly exerted? And if it was merely a side-result to that effort, then: What was the result? What was the purpose of all that fuss?

Certainly in all cases, the effort exerted with joy and happiness is a worthy result; side it be or main! But an effort exerted in contempt would be absurd, and a life wasted. While not taking the chance of life is even more absurd.

I do not have answers. I do not think that one could just grasp the Truth and prove it… not after all those centuries of Philosophy, Science and Faith. Nor will I try to make any conclusions because then I would be falling in the same paradox that is Life; and then I would be ignorantly searching for the white and the black, again, in vain. And instead I will retreat to silence; and observe.

Constructivity. Content. Valor and Hope. They are important keywords I can only hang to. And just like the particle, and just like fuel… I will always strive tending to Balance in an ongoing Paradox that never ends. Life!






AbdulRahman G El-Taliawi

In 14/11/2007,
Cairo, Egypt.